Crusaders And Baking
by dyslexic-Carmie
Summary: Oneshot. The Cutie Mark Crusaders fail at baking, and put a rather interesting ingredient into their food creation.


"All right crusaders, what are we going to do today?" the earth pony asked.

"Get our cutie marks!" squealed her two friends in unison.

The earth pony smiled. "Exactly! So, what are we going to do today to get them?"

Her two friends taught for a second.

"Skiing?" asked the Pegasus. "I always wanted to go downhill at full speed!"

The earth pony shook her head. "We just had Winter Wrap Up."

"Oh… yeah. Skiing requires snow."

"We could try getting are cutie marks in makeovers?" offered the unicorn.

The Pegasus shook her head. "Gross. No."

"Hey, its not gross. My big sister wears makeup all the time."

"Well, I'm still not going to let my face turn into an art project."

"That's it!" The earth pony giggled. "What if we got a cutie mark in the fine arts? We could get a canvas, some paint, and get are cutie marks!"

The Pegasus shook her head. "Didn't we try something like that a week ago or something?"

"Yeah, you're right we did."

The unicorn smiled. "Hey! I got it! We should try baking!"

The pony frowned. "I already tried that. I was really bad at it."

"Baking sounds fun!" said the Pegasus.

"But I already tried that with Pinkie Pie! My special talent isn't baking!"

"I think baking would be super fun!" squealed the unicorn.

"If we try baking then something is going to go horribly wrong!"

"Like what?"

"Like…."

* * *

The earth pony wiggled her nose. "That looks like something from out of the slop bucket."

"I haven't put the icing on it yet." The unicorn looked around the kitchen. "It'll look prettier once it's iced. Is that even the term for it? It kinda makes it sound like I'm going to freeze it."

The Pegasus rolled her eyes. "I don't know. Let's face it we're not going to get our cutie marks in baking."

The unicorn found the icing tube. "It'll look prettier once it's iced," she repeated.

"I think Scootaloo's right this is a lost cause. That cake looks like something-"

Scootaloo cut her off. "Cake? I thought we were making a pie. Can you even ice a pie?"

"It's a cupcake." The unicorn opened the tube of icing. "It'll look more like a cupcake once its iced."

"Do you think we followed the recipe wrong?" the earth pony asked.

"We were following a recipe?"

The unicorn squirted half icing tube onto the cupcake. "Can somebody please get me a knife?"

The earth pony turned back to the unicorn. "Is the icing supposed to be that color, Sweetie Belle?"

"I think so," answered Sweetie Belle.

"It looks like motor oil," the Pegasus commented. "Doesn't the tube say its supposed to be purple or something?"

The unicorn squirted the rest of the icing onto the cupcake. "It'll probably look more purple when it's spread out."

"Doubt it. It doesn't even look like purple now."

"Yeah, I don't think it works that way."

"We'll see if it works once I get it iced. Somebody please get me a knife already!"

"I think Pinkie keeps the knifes in the cabinet closest to the door."

"I still think this is a lost cause." Scootaloo went over to the cabinet to retrieve a knife.

"Thank you." Sweetie Belle was given the knife from her friend. She began icing the cupcake with the knife in her mouth.

"It still doesn't look right."

"I'm...not…done…yet," the unicorn mumbled with the knife in her mouth.

"I didn't understand any of that."

"Me either."

Sweetie Belle spat the knife out of her mouth. "Done. How does it look?"

"It still looks like something out of the slop bucket."

"Is it at least edible? It really doesn't look edible."

"You could try it, Scootaloo."

The earth pony shook her head. "I don't think you should eat that."

"I wasn't going to. It looks like something that got ran over."

"I don't think it looks that bad," the unicorn said. "It probably tastes better than it looks."

"Well, I'm not going to try it."

The earth pony nodded. "Me either."

"Then what are we supposed to do?" Sweetie Belle asked. "Waste food and throw it out?"

"Yeah."

"Eeyup."

"We should at least try it before we throw it away," the unicorn pleaded. "Come on Scootaloo! Come on Apple Bloom! It might be super tasty!"

Apple Bloom shook her head again. "I'm not taking a bite of that. You can try it if you want."

"Yeah, why don't you just try it, Sweetie Belle?"

The unicorn frowned. "But I want us to all try it together!"

"And I don't want to die of food poisoning," spat the Pegasus.

"I don't think you'll die of food poisoning," the earth pony commented. "You'll probably just get a really bad stomachache."

"I'm still not going to take my chances."

"We'll I'm going to take my chances!" Sweetie Belle said. "If it tastes awful than I can just spit it out. And if tastes good, then you two can't have any!"

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

The unicorn took a bite of the ugly cupcake. She chewed for a little bit, and swallowed. Her friends looked at her amazed.

"Whoa, you actually swallowed it!"

"How'd it taste?"

Sweetie Belle giggled. "Amazing! You two can't have any! It's all mine! Mine! Mine!"

The earth pony raised an eyebrow. "Uh…"

The unicorn took another bite of the cupcake, chewed, and swallowed it. "This is amazing!" She bit off more of the cupcake. "Amazing!" She took another bite. "Mine! Mine! Mine!"

The Pegasus raised an eyebrow. "Okay…"

Sweetie Belle took another bite off the cupcake. "You two can't get any of this!" She ate more of the cupcake. "Its mine! Mine! All mine!"

Apple Bloom turned to face Scootaloo. "Is this normal?"

Scootaloo shrugged. "I have no idea."

"This is my cupcake!" the unicorn said chewing her latest bite of cupcake. "If you two weren't such jerky-jerk-jerk-jerkins ponies then you two could be enjoying this badassery in your mouths!"

The Pegasus put her hoof to her forehead. "Dammit! Sweetie Belle now this story has to be marked as T for teen!"

The earth pony huffed. "Seriously, Scoots? You had to break the fourth wall and drop the 'dang-it' bomb? We could have stayed in K! One made-up word that has a bad word in it wouldn't have changed the rating!"

Sweetie Belle giggled and ate more of the cupcake. "Meh, whatever. This cupcake is mine! Mine! All mine! If you two weren't so stupid than your taste buds would be experiencing this mouth gangbang this cupcake is giving my mouth!"

"Gangbang in your mouth?" Scootaloo asked. "What does that even mean?"

"It means I'm enjoying a wicked awesome cupcake that's a product so awesome it could have only been created by Spock and Batman having a Bachelor party together in Vegas with a monkey!" the unicorn answered with what was left of the cupcake in her mouth. "And you too can't have any of it, because you guys are super lame and didn't take advantage of eating this cupcake when you had the chance! Oh, and I just finished this cupcake! So, that means you two will never have the chance to eat something so amazing! That gives you a mouth gangbang! Well, I guess you two could wait until I digest this whole cupcake and eat my crap. But, that would take a while. And plus you two are jerks so I'm not going to even let you take my crap! Hear that? You two can't eat my crap!"

"What the hell is any of that crap supposed to mean?"

Apple Bloom sighed. "Well, now that the rating is certainly going to be T-"

The Pegasus cut her off. "Hey, crap isn't a bad word. They say it in Regular Show all the time. And hell isn't a bad word either. They sing a song called Hellfire in a Disney movie."

"I was just going to say that I think we might of accidently put some sort of drug in that cupcake."

"Oh…"

Sweetie Belle fell on the floor and giggled. Cake was smeared all over her face. Her friends watched her with confused expressions. "I just ate the best cupcake ever! Best cupcake ever! I just ate the best cupcake ever! Best cupcake ever!" she sang.

Scootaloo turned back to face her friend standing. "Yeah, I think you're right. We accidently put drugs in the cake."

"Best cupcake ever! Best cupcake ever! It was the best cupcake ever! Best cupcake ever!" the unicorn continued singing to herself.

The earth pony bit her lip. "This isn't good."

"What are we supposed to do?" asked the Pegasus.

"I guess we have to go find an adult," Apple Bloom answered. "Scoots, put your helmet on, I'll grab Sweetie Belle, and we'll all find Applejack."

"Best cupcake ever! Best cupcake ever! It was the best cupcake ever!"

"But I don't want to wear my helmet!" Scootaloo said. "It looks childish and it messes up my mane!"

"You have to wear your helmet. Its important that kids understand head safety."

"Best cupcake ever! It was the best cupcake ever! Best cupcake ever!" the unicorn sang still lying on the floor.

"Fine." The Pegasus groaned and put her helmet on.

"Cool. Now help me grab Sweetie Belle so we can go find my sister."

"Do we have to go to Applejack?" asked Scootaloo. "Wouldn't Rainbow Dash be better at helping us solve this?"

"Ohhhh oh oh oh. I got my taste buds in the clouds. And there's no backing down," sang Sweetie Bell. "My taste buds are on fire. My taste buds are on fire. They're walking in fire. My taste buds are on fire."

The earth pony sighed. "Great, now's she's making her own version of an Alicia Keys song. Just help me grab her. The sooner we get her to Applejack the better."

"What can AJ do that Rainbow Dash can't?" asked the Pegasus. "I think Rainbow Dash would have more experience with drug use anyway!"

"Do you even realize what you just said?" Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. "The last time we tried to find Rainbow Dash we ended up finding everypony else. Let's just go straight to Applejack."

"My taste buds are on fire!"

The Pegasus glared at her friend on the floor. "Fine. Let's just get help. I'll grab her legs. You get the arms."

* * *

"How are you guys doing back there?" Scootaloo asked driving the scooter. "Nopony's fallen off, right?"

"We're still doing fine," answered Apple Bloom. "Sweetie Belle is-"

The Pegasus cut her off. "Good! I'm going to speed up!"

"What? Are you crazy?" cried the earth pony as her friend increased the speed of scooter. "This is insane!"

"Sweetie Belle in the sky with cupcakes!" sang the unicorn not caring that she was riding a wagon attached to a scooter going at a speed that made everything around them hazy looking. "Sweetie Belle in the sky with cupcakes!"

"Scoots! Slow down! AHHHHHH!"

* * *

Scootaloo slowed down her scooter and groaned. "Dude, we went though this whole farm and we can't find your sister anywhere!"

Apple Bloom got out of the wagon feeling dizzy. "How where you able to see anything at that speed you were going at?"

"How were you not able to see anything?"

The earth pony sighed. "Meh. Whatever. At least your uncontrollably fast speed knocked Sweetie Belle out. She was ruining the Beatles for me."

The Pegasus turned to look at her asleep in the wagon. "So, what do we do now?"

Apple Bloom shrugged. "I guess we continue looking for Applejack. Or find another adult."

"Like Rainbow Dash?"

"Do you really think Rainbow Dash would be much help?"

"I don't know. She's Rainbow Dash. She's the coolest pony in Ponyville."

Another Pegasus laughed and landed next to the scooter. "Hey, I heard my name three times. What's up?"

"Rainbow Dash!" cried Scootaloo. "Oh my gosh you're here!"

"The one and only!" Rainbow Dash said giggling. "I was bored and flying around. I heard you guys mention my name, so I decided to see what you guys are doing-"

"We think Sweetie Belle got into some drugs!"

The adult Pegasus raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"We were baking! I didn't want to bake, but Sweetie Bells and Scootaloo really wanted to try getting a cutie mark in baking. But I didn't want to 'cause I already tried it and failed. Anyway, Pinkie let us cook at Sugarcube corner. She didn't watch us, and we found a recipe. I don't think we really follow the recipe right. The cupcake we made looked really disgusting," the earth pony explained speaking really fast.

"What?"

"Only Sweetie Belle wanted to try the cupcake! Me and Apple Bloom didn't want to die of food poisoning! She tried it, and now she's acting all loopy! I think we might have put drugs in it!" the young Pegasus explained talking as fast as her friend.

"What?"

"Its really bad! She keeps ruining songs by changing the lyrics to be about to be about her eating cupcakes! Its horrible!" finished Apple Bloom.

"She looks like she's asleep."

"She got knocked out by Scoots horrible driving."

"Hey!"

Rainbow Dash frowned and bit her tongue. She really wasn't sure what she should say. "So does this mean that this fic is going to be in the T category?"

The Pegasus and the earth pony nodded. "Yes," they said in unison.

"Scoots bumped up the rating when she dropped the 'dang-it' bomb, used the 'crud' bomb, and the h-e-double hockey sticks word."

"Hey! Sweetie Belle bumped it up first when she used the word 'badassery'! And crap and hell aren't bad words! Also she said something about a gangbang in her mouth. I don't know what that means, but I think its part of the reason the rating had to get bumped!"

The adult Pegasus exhaled. "Okay, well now that the rating is bumped up I can say this…" she paused and cleared her throat. "What the hell were you two trying to do at Sugarcube corner? Ruin my life? That bag of pot was clearly labeled as a bag of pot? What the hell did you guys think it was? A bag of ducklings or something?"

"Was that your bag of pot?"

"Hell no! What do you guys think I'm on drugs or something? I can't believe you would assume that I'm on drugs! That bag belongs to Pinkie Pie!" yelled Rainbow Dash. "Do you think she's happy all the time 'cause she's just happy all the flipping rainbow time? No! She has to deal with the same assholes everypony else has to deal with! She's on the happy shit!"

"The happy shit?"

"Scoots! Stop saying bad words!"

"Rainbow said it first!"

"Oh, this is bad. This is bad! This is very bad!" The adult Pegasus put her hoof in her mouth. "Pinkie is scary when she's…. uh… normal."

"What's going to happen?"

"RAINBOW DASH!" a loud deep voice yelled.

Rainbow Dash took out her wings. "I'm out of here. Shit just got real. You guys are on your own!" She flew off.

"RAINBOW DASH!" the voice yelled again this time sounding closer. "WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR CHECKBOOK? HOW CAN I DO MY JOB WITHOUT YOUR CHECKBOOK?"

"What's going on?"

"Is that Pinkie Pie?" Scootaloo asked as a giant version of their pink friend ran by knocking over lots of apple trees.

"WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR CHECKBOOK?" yelled the giant Pinkie Pie. "I CAN'T BE A GOOD ACCOUNTANT IF YOU DON'T SHOW ME YOUR CHECKBOOK! DO YOU NOT WANT YOUR TAX RETURN?"

The giant version of Pinkie Pie knocked over more apples and stepped on the three little ponies. The three little pony girls were crushed to death. They died. It was gross and painful.

* * *

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle looked at Apple Bloom horrified.

"…. And that is why we shouldn't try baking," the earth pony said finishing her epic story.

"Do you really think we're going to die?" asked the Pegasus. "And why did Pinkie Pie become a giant accountant without drugs? Is Pinkie Pie even on drugs?"

"Are their even drugs at Sugarcube Corner?" asked unicorn. "And why did I have to be the one to eat the cupcake? Why couldn't you or Scootaloo have eaten it?"

"'Cause I told the story." Apple Bloom pushed her mane aside with her hoof. "So are y'all all with me? Do y'all agree that baking is a very bad idea?"

Scootaloo nodded. "Sure. I think I'm going to have nightmares about that story."

"Me too," agreed Sweetie Belle. "Giant accountant Pinkie Pie is really terrifying."

"How'd you even come up with this story Apple Bloom?"

The earth pony laughed. "I've read too much fanfiction."

* * *

**A/N**

**Okay, so this story is kind of all over the place. I really don't know what is going on here. **

**Say hi, point out my Dyslexic grammar mistakes, propose marriage, offer to drive me to Ikea, or do whatever y'all do in a review. If ya point out a grammar mistake, then I'll be sure to fix it. **


End file.
